am like tryin to do tidyin up in the office. finally, the day has come for the end of internship but somehow i'm not really glad. of cos i am excited but it just feels wrong. i kinda feel like stayin on, tho i'l prolly be more of a hindrance than help xP the internship grades prolly wont be that great but i enjoyed the 5mths. despite all the shit in 2010, this is prolly the best outta evrythg sadly -.-

the prev posts prolly hafnt been too positive or 'smiley' but i am fine! there were some who came and asked in a subtle but pretty cute way cos they prolly felt it was inconvenient to probe. kx did but really i only knoe how to handle it alone, i prolly wont knoe how to share. unless you're weird like sepig, then mayb.. i actually 'talked' to one of my friends on msn and for once was really truthful abt how i felt and i just brokedown but aft that, the feelin was great, i felt like i could go on =DD

i dont wanna suddenly plunge into an abyss of emo, that isnt me but i dont want ppl to suddenly start fussin over me as well. there were some who made sure they checked on me regularly. thanks but i am not abt to slit my wrist and i am really unappreciative whn we were never close to start w. now's really not the time i wanna be playin nice.

i am gettin quite pissed w the whole mysterious thg, i think i dont have the energy to play on anymore. i got more thgs i'll wanna focus on.

like seriously, nth gd has happened it 2010, like nth, i cant think of anythg. first it was grandma and now my grandpa has decided to hop on the wagon and is in hosp now. he's been in a veg state since forever but this shospitalisation sounded serious like before, all i knoe's that his organs have ceased to function. whats gon happen now, i really dont knoe. i am alr bothered enough w my grandma. for my grandpa this time i think the one who'll be affected most's prolly daddy, i am in no state to handle the family now, really not now. it's alr tirin enough tryin to act normal whn i'm outside, in front of ppl but whn i'm alone it's difficult to run away from the reality.

i totally dont knoe how bad can 2010 get, these gotta be the worst. i cant rmb why but o9 was really good and fast.. boo.. whatever, i am just watchin zero but nth's goin in. rahh.. i want an endless time to stone. prayin hard that my mumps dont happen again, it feels like my salivary gland's infected again, it's slightly swollen and bloody painful.

all i can do's complain these days, how excitin life is -.-

first entry of the year..it's actually the 240th entry, or was it 241st? i cant rmb if i actually forgot to no. one of my entry. to be honest, it doesnt feel like 2010 started, evrythg still feels the same. there is no significant change felt, if there has to be it is the sudden influx of evrythg bad. i think i feel happier in o9. this shud not be the case but it is what is happenin now!

as for new year's resolution, i guess the very first thg is to be honest w myself. i wont be mopin 24/7 but the least i can do is to be honest in my entries. it really doesnt make sense just cos i knoe ppl're readin and i try to hide the intention of my posts, usin phrases that make no sense to others except myself. it's hinderin the way i express myself. for those who find out abt thgs thru my lj, mayb it's hightime you realise that it really is none of your biz, so there is no need to go ard pretendin like you care? but if you are sure we are really close, i'm sorry. it may have just been cause it is not one of those thgs we talk abt and i just cant bring myself to tell you cos evrytime i tell it to somebod it kills me?

omg, there's like so much angst in me suddenly. i might as well just say it out. for those who suddenly decides to act carin, there really isnt a need, as much as i've survived that long w you readin my lj and not exactly carin, you dont have to pretend suddenly, i can live on this way. for those who cant stand the fact that i am into jap, i am no concerned as well, as much as i understand how irritatin that is, i'd appreciate the fact that you let me choose because it's me we're talkin abt here. most imptly, pls stop tryin to tell me how to live my life! you have your ideas and i have mine! as much as i respect yours, pls be sure that you do not impose YOUR way of life into mine! i really dont appreciate that, no matter how close we are. i am open to discussion but to tell me straight in the face that i am wrong and your way's the only way.

my 2010's totally been bugged by my grandma's health. as much as i understand that it might be better for her to leave because it'l mean less pain for her but i am scared. afraid of the change, afraid of her departure. i cant say how scared i was seein her literally yellow, yet she refuses to go to the hosp. we didnt wanna oppose her cos we knoes she'l be all tubed up and she has once said she'd rather die in the comfort of her own hse. all she's been doin's to slp, and she barely eats. yet there was nth i could do as well, all i did was to watch as she drifts in and out of consciousness. the previous time something this bad happened was whn she'd not slp at night and do weird thgs at night and my aunts were so worried and we had to take turns to stay up to watch her. of cos she became better aft awhile, i kinda hope it'l be the same this time but she really looked bad. i knoe i'll hafta cope no matter what happens but surely that cant make me feel any better?!

still, all i can do now's to pray and continue w my internship. that is the reality in my face now.

it's like full force pms this few days.. it really doesnt help that stupid tiong at work's pissin me off -.- well, he can be worse but it's gotten better these days. i cant stand ppl who reads over somebod's shoulder, esp MINE! and as if that's not bad enough he puts his space so close and he is SMELLY! i hate smelly ppl la! IRRITATIN! and i am totally the hypocritehospi girl, i can be so pissed and still smile.


it'll be 2010 soon, payday soon, like tmr?! WOOHOO! SHOPPPPPINNNNN~! i wanna dye my hair, do online shoppin, buy groceries to cook, manymany!! and TRY to save.

hmm.. can anyone be too lazy for it?? is it scary?

you'll never fully apprehend what you're losin until you finally lose it. you lose some, you gain some. this is prolly the most optimistic way of seein thgs. wouldnt it sound sadder if it had been, you gain some, you lose some. or isit just my own interpretation?

before the dust settles from all the buzz of xmas, it's the countdown party alr. i love how it's as if it's no secret anymore, my dad simply comin up to me and askin whr i'll be partyin for the countdown. why didnt he think that i MIGHT decide to stay home. hahaa! not v likely i guess. lol.

best photo so far:

the two retarded kids. hahaa!

mozilla's been cranky of late, makin it diff to post but photos are fine. irritatin..
i'm surprised it's been a yr, how time flies. promise made, it is not forgotten but mayb it was put aside at some point of time. i hope it's not too late to restart on the journey, what will happen 5 yrs down the road, none of us can really predict. i prolly need more focus..

i like how these pics look, the colours and the rest is up to how i interpret them =))

( enough fun )

doesnt the title just sound so profound?! lol. i was just thinkin abt this sayin, 'ask, and .....' basically i only rmbed TWO words out of the many. hahaa! i was kinda thinkin of prodai as well, the scene whn the "fairy" told pi that sentence as well, so i decided to ask my bff. hahaa! and this is what i got.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks the door will be opened”

some may knoe whr this para came from but it doesnt matter, 'cos i just think it's nice! tho i kinda think the original sounds nice read but the english makes NO sense to me, so i prefer this. lol. shallow shallow. hee. the para sounds too gd to be true but it is NICE~! final.

finally today's like the last day of the somewhat internet fast. i realised the fast's got ten thousand loopholes. hahaa! the main thg's just that i cant be surfin net on my lappy at home but that didnt really mean i didnt get online! the first day i went on msn but appeared offline. HAA! yday i stayed out so i cant get my hands on my lappy, i got on the internet, kinda? hahaa! sher, ili and i met up and we were checkin out fb -.-
yday was SUPER! it's been awhile since we rotted ard like that but it has its side-effects, towards the later half i felt like we were becomin dumber. w we i meant me and sher. hahaa! bad influence from ili. lol. AND HIS CAT IS FREAKIN VIOLENT! V-I-O-L-E-N-T! i still like the fat one. hahaa! its stupidity reminds me of my dog. hahaa! i think they'l make great friends, sheddin tons of fur together.

( rumble ramble )
this post feels a tad too sensitive to be public. hahaa! but heck!

i'm actually stupidly excited abt my fast. i mean i really dont knoe how long my stomach will be able to last but i'm excited about the final 'accomplishment'.

i am definitely takin forever for this post, this is like aft 'lunch' time alr. i didnt eat and i just sat w my colleagues. i think they felt more uncomfy than me. lol. anw rather than abstine from internet i shud just abstine from my lappy. haaa! so means today cant go near it!! :(( 3 days, God help me stay sane. LOL.

notready
dontwant
doubts
N W SPECS IS HOT!
nonono
nopkno
dumbtojump
justwannabeme

does my face just screams, "IAMLESBIANNN~!"? it's like a common thg for ppl ard me to conclude, it's not even suspect, they CONCLUDE that i like girls! -.- well, i admit that i check girls out, i mean why not?! esp whn they're hot =D but i dont think i'd like to date a girl. hahaa! so i thinki'm straight, stop CONCLUDIN! it's amusin how ppl go, "i knoe you're a lesbian". like HELLO?! how come you knoe it better than me? i thot it's supposed to be MY preference? gosh, what kinda ppl do i hang out w. hahaa!

and i just love my icon, love its colours. spells HOT =DD

( cellphones )

i cant decide.. if i wanna samsung omnia lite or bb. actually samsung ultra touch was one of the options but my stupid server doesnt provide the phone anymore. singtel has but my sis's changin her hp usin my dad's line, so i dont wanna ask her to give it up for me (tho she has her own line that she can upgrade with as well =x)

"you dont refill my cup like my prev intern *POUTS*" i think a simple sentence like this really seriously. silly it may sounds but i think it reflects alot abt me as a person. i can choose to think that i am simply unobservant but it is more like, i am gettin far too comfortable in my own tiny lil circle that i dont wanna 'probe' into others' private lives. when i really sit down and think, there are times whn i really dont wanna knoe abt others' probs. i used to give the excuse to myself that i am just respectin their own privacy, like how i'd hate others probin into mine. overtime, it changed into apathy. i dont care for others anymore. i was really thinkin, wont this end up with me failin in teamwork? i used to pride myself as someone who is capable of adaptin in a team, listenin to others' ideas but overtime, i just build a wall ard myself and am happy with daydreamin alone, listenin starts becomin too tired, i merely stare into space while others try to communicate. i dont knoe since when, listenin to others' prob has became a chore, the secrets they let me in on scares me so much i simply shut everyone off. all of these reflection because of a simple sentence, silly me.
i dont want to become someone who feels indifferent to others' feelins, which is why i am actually makin an effort to be more expressive and observant durin this internship. it isnt an issue whereby i dont care abt ppl ard me anymore, to some extent i care too much, i dont want to cross their line of comfort, makin them feel as if i am intrudin into their life but it seems like i was wrong. wherever i've digressed to, it has TOTALLY nth to do with the sentence i started this entry with. still, i am intrigued by all the different ppl that i work with, mayb bein a lil more observant DOES pay :))

back to work + chocpresso (hotchoc+espresso :D)

i LOVE my new icon ♥!! but thats outta the point.
i hafnt been able to update for the longest time. i still come online but just duper lazy to post anythg.
i wanted to post the vid of code live BUT the internet at work doesnt have youtube.. so too bad. i was happily spammin din w the diff versions of code. best. lol.
i am actually readin investment bks. lol. just desperate for reads. hahaa!
the last time i really read was before intern started, even my mags have been lyin ard, neglected :((
i finally jogged after a LOOOONG time yday. 'cos of that i'm totally fallin apart today... no good...
it's irritatin 'cos they made napfa COMPULSORY this yr and ms quah even misspelt napfa, best..
comin to think of it it's really fast. it's as if internship's comin to an end soon. even before it ends, it's alr significant how many have changed.
i am not one of them. sometimes i wonder if it'll be less tirin if i stop resistin the changes, i have to grow up afterall. when if not now?
i got so much to say but too lazy to type, so be it....
i wanna shop, wanna go holiday but.. i cant decide if i wanna do it alone or w company.. maybe i shud just get my ass down to studyin! exam's like less than 1 mth away now. BEST.

the yama pair's still the killa -.-

cant say i didnt try. i mean the attempt was feeble but i tried. smiled, spoke up but well, i'm fine with the silence. keep it that way. i still believe it's a two-way prong, just me alone wont work, if she doesnt react then so be it. it'l end in no time so just let it be

i think ppl who works hard are sexayyy. this totally feels more like a tweet than an entry but i have no life to talk abt anymore, so just make do.

i feel like eatin gyoza now... and super delicious ones at that... I WANT TO EAT GYOZA!

tsurakutemo, zettaiakiramenai, makenaide!

tanoshino, yadano, imiwakannai

sonotokini, nemasuwaseikainokotae, toomoimasu

blah.... i dont knoe what to type alr, i just rmbed i've yet to tell xuan what happened today but my hp's still chargin. contrast and balance.. hmm.. two v difficult words. i dont need the extra pressure and sometimes gd intentions become a burden, thats whn you wonder if you made the right decision. this is esp so whn you're havin pms at the SAME time. i've yet to bk bw for 24th and i shud be slpin now but my brain would rather i read. it's like my head's flooded with thots but i need find a channel or source to let them out... blahhhh.. tmr's fri, i wish i could say tgif but come mon i gotta restart again.

it's one of those morn again, comin into the office earlier than usual just so i can have my own time before work starts. on the other hand it does get a lil depressin cos the enthusiasm suddenly dies down.. GREAT! THE COM BESIDE ME JUST TURNED ON BY ITSELF SUDDENLY!!!
it's what didi calls OSIM!!! tsk... slpiness's slowly creepin in but the coffee machine's not on!!! i cant have my hot choc =(((