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Jan. 3rd, 2010 | 11:03 pm
location: bed
mood: blankblank
music: Kawaita Hana - Kanjani 8

first entry of the year..it's actually the 240th entry, or was it 241st? i cant rmb if i actually forgot to no. one of my entry. to be honest, it doesnt feel like 2010 started, evrythg still feels the same. there is no significant change felt, if there has to be it is the sudden influx of evrythg bad. i think i feel happier in o9. this shud not be the case but it is what is happenin now!

as for new year's resolution, i guess the very first thg is to be honest w myself. i wont be mopin 24/7 but the least i can do is to be honest in my entries. it really doesnt make sense just cos i knoe ppl're readin and i try to hide the intention of my posts, usin phrases that make no sense to others except myself. it's hinderin the way i express myself. for those who find out abt thgs thru my lj, mayb it's hightime you realise that it really is none of your biz, so there is no need to go ard pretendin like you care? but if you are sure we are really close, i'm sorry. it may have just been cause it is not one of those thgs we talk abt and i just cant bring myself to tell you cos evrytime i tell it to somebod it kills me?

omg, there's like so much angst in me suddenly. i might as well just say it out. for those who suddenly decides to act carin, there really isnt a need, as much as i've survived that long w you readin my lj and not exactly carin, you dont have to pretend suddenly, i can live on this way. for those who cant stand the fact that i am into jap, i am no concerned as well, as much as i understand how irritatin that is, i'd appreciate the fact that you let me choose because it's me we're talkin abt here. most imptly, pls stop tryin to tell me how to live my life! you have your ideas and i have mine! as much as i respect yours, pls be sure that you do not impose YOUR way of life into mine! i really dont appreciate that, no matter how close we are. i am open to discussion but to tell me straight in the face that i am wrong and your way's the only way.

my 2010's totally been bugged by my grandma's health. as much as i understand that it might be better for her to leave because it'l mean less pain for her but i am scared. afraid of the change, afraid of her departure. i cant say how scared i was seein her literally yellow, yet she refuses to go to the hosp. we didnt wanna oppose her cos we knoes she'l be all tubed up and she has once said she'd rather die in the comfort of her own hse. all she's been doin's to slp, and she barely eats. yet there was nth i could do as well, all i did was to watch as she drifts in and out of consciousness. the previous time something this bad happened was whn she'd not slp at night and do weird thgs at night and my aunts were so worried and we had to take turns to stay up to watch her. of cos she became better aft awhile, i kinda hope it'l be the same this time but she really looked bad. i knoe i'll hafta cope no matter what happens but surely that cant make me feel any better?!

still, all i can do now's to pray and continue w my internship. that is the reality in my face now.

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