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257# deprived of slp

Aug. 4th, 2010 | 01:30 am
mood: crankycranky
music: Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Angela Aki

i really hafn't been productive, be it sch or personal life.
supposed to be writin some lit. review but my brain just hasn't been v cooperative.
i can't decide if it's pms or just simply what had happened today.
just really hafn't been feelin too great.
rather than hurt, i'd say it's more of shock?
whr does the shock surface frm, i really have no idea.
ever tried havin the blatant truth in your bloody face?
do you ignore it or accept it?
tried havin evrythg startin to make sense 'cos you can no longer hide?
i guess what is botherin me more's i can't decide on which side i'd wanna be on.
the "it's ok" side or the "it's NOT ok" side.
just whn i think it's ok, i feel myself driftin off in my own thots but whn i'm think i'm not, i'm able to smile and laugh like nth happened.
frustratin, isn't it?
3 more hours before my targetted time to complete my bloody review but the current wordcount's 146/1500, just barely 1/10 done.
i can't focus but i knoe i will complete it.
because i am more stubborn than i think.
i miss postin my thots here, thots that feel like they're the most normal feelin.
twitter took over lj but twit is startin to be stalked like fb.
the only gd thg abt it is that it allows me to post on-the-go, at least more convenient than lj.
i hafn't exactly like like that in years.
a part of me is glad that i'm not unfeelin' but another part of me hates the feelin of "fallin into an abyss of darkness" w/in myself while still bein able to smile like it's the happiest time of my life.
come tmr, i shud be free from all these.
at least for a while :)

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Jul. 25th, 2010 | 06:12 pm

 this space has been almost dead alr. its peak was prolly durin my intern period. i'm actually startin to miss that period, the only part abt that time was prolly cos i felt really restricted by the hours but i felt the freedom aft 6 really well as well. can't have the best of both worlds.

sch may only be three hours per day but i'm alr dreadin it, esp whn the timin clashes bad w my coachin. no joke at all, havin to miss lects for coachin. also, the content's way diff frm htm's, evn the whole mentality of the lecturers are diff. it's like how 'cos htm lecturers are svc ppl, they really knoe how to make 'emselves understood, at least their lang were waaaay better. mktg lecturers' lang are ATROCIOUS! "prowide" and "siilective", WOW! i am speechless, really. 
tbh, twas really demoralisin at first, like kinda regret choosin sth so diff frm htm, like goin to class and becomin more confused than ever is definitely NOT fun at all but still slowly and surely, gotta play catch up and really start understandin. no matter what happens i gotta cross this barrier first, really.

recent happenins aren't helpin much as well. probs w close friends are givin me major headaches as well. there is only so much i can care abt. whn i reach a limit, i will v naturally give up and not bother anymore. i hate how i can give up so much but it might just really be the best solution.

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255# after this i will be happy.. =D

May. 10th, 2010 | 01:54 am
mood: determineddetermined
music: Murarisuto - Koyashige

lj's becomin too emo these days.
i hafnt been updatin much too, the bulk came frm intern days.
this shall be the LAST not so happy post, shall end this on a happy note xD

my life feels like it's spirallin downwards again, makin me all lost and aimless again.
it must be the aftereffects of talkin to ili today.
sometimes i dont knoe if i just love to argue or we're really v different in mentality.
i guess i overestimated myself and chose to walk into the deep maze.
now that im inside, i cant find a way out and all i wanna do's give up and continue bein stuck inside w the surroundin totally decomposin.
this is crazy.
this line was etched in my mind since the last service,
"the right thing at the wrong time, is the wrong thing"
it feels so aptly, 'this' has never felt so right before but ahead of me's alot of issues and mayb im just not brave enough.
i thot i'd be courageous enough but.. at the end of the day i am not.
the nxt time shall be the last!
..but is there still a nxt?
after this i will guard (((:

there shall be NO monday blues tmr.
i needa start afresh.
shall start w joggin!!
i ate so much today!
like bk and macs brekkie!
shall start off w 30mins tmr first.
it'l be wake up at human time tmr then jog, bathe and head to gramp's!

i miss berlin!!!
i wanna be ard ppl and be enjoyin and havin fun.
i'm so glad we're meetin on tues!!! :DDDD
enough of the emoness, i just wanna be happy nows!

this is one long ramb of an entry xP

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254# be my star, one that brightens up my day

Apr. 16th, 2010 | 01:16 am
location: livings
mood: sicksick
music: Jay's

i just got reminded why there was a period i avoided jaychou's as much as possible..
cos his songs are too suicidal.
ok, not all but try playin jian dan ai w fen lie w shuo hao de xing fu ne, ge qian and all the other sad soundin ones on loop.
what you get's terrible moodswing, esp whn you have a mum all set to spoil your day.

so the para basically v much summed up my day. easy.
Tags: ,

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250# low

Mar. 22nd, 2010 | 04:30 am

somehow my 250th entry's on a down note.
it is ALL ili's fault! hahaa!
i really needa slp but i cant slp...
so i've decided not to faorce myself, since my dark circles are alr bad enough, a lil more wont make any diff.
i think tmr i'l wanna look gd, so at least i wont feel ANY worse.. boo..
first, i'l go get my hair tidied up, it's totally caveman-like now.
then err.. do sth abt my 'age-ing' face, it's disgustin!
bottomline's i just need more money, mayb i shud just date money itself :DD
somehow the idea of it just cheers me up. hahaa!

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Mar. 22nd, 2010 | 02:06 am
mood: pessimisticpessimistic

aft almost 2wks of 'confinement' i was out last night, SHIOK was the word seriously. it's was bein out meetin crazy friends again. as usual, we spoke abt the same topic and the more we talked abt it, the more it felt like i was a weirdo!!! dang.
there was so much i'd wanted to talk abt but i guess i lost the 'inspiration' for it. esp whn tmr's whn i gotta be back to reality again, trainin. to think i was SO enthu abt bein outta hse, tmr i'm kinda... you knoe.. but if i dont go, it means lesser money. ugh, reality sucks and i've yet to find replacement for nxt mon, DISGUSTIN! and i have to msg the tchr-ic in the morn tmr to inform her that there WILL be trainin tmr and i gotta get my hair trimmed cos the 2wks basically turned me into a barbarian and.. yeah, the uni admission and the jlpt cert! gosh. dont i just love life!

thgs we do at unearthly hours!

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248# the origin

Mar. 17th, 2010 | 04:29 am
location: bed
mood: artisticartistic

i was supposed to be restin enough durin this period that i'm stayin home but it seems to be as per norm.
i am slpin at crazy hours and barely wakin up at norm hours.
doin nth but wastin my disgustin life away.
to make it worse? i dont even feel happy this time round.
i am barely turnin into a zombie again.
even food's disgustin.
whoever said i hate eatin is seriously wrong.
what am i to? for you to evn think i'm racist and forcin it on me, you were alr wrong abt that.
anw i've been havin miniature quarrels w mum cos all she gives me's fish porridge!
i asked for fruits and she v much ignores my request and kept feedin me w food i'm v much not interested in.
whn i refuse to eat due to the lack of variety in food choices, she repeats her question!
it's retarded to what extent? try this:
"girl, you want fish porridge?"
"no." alr pretty frustrated here.
"..err..or you want wanton mee?" slightly cheered up here.
"oh, sounds great."
"i think better get you fish porridge ok? bye" THEN WHY IN THE WORLD BOTHER ASKIN ME!?
i dont get it whn the answer to a question asked, doesnt have any effect or to evn matter in this sense.
i've alr said i'm SICK of the porridge! take it if you want! it's irritatin!
i love my food but not plain tastin thgs that i've to eat day-in, day-out!
i mean if twas delicious, i really wouldnt mind but to be forced upon? no thanks!

it seems like recently, i feel kinda detached w He. it's like, other than grace, we barely spoke, it was nv like before. in the beginnin, the ppl ard were the ones who brought me closer to He but recently, they were the ones who made me wanna be away. To try to see thgs clearer. it was as if, His presence was clouded by all the unneeded acts. He's great, one and only but i hate it whn ppl try to do and say thgs to further emphasize it and make me think like them. arent you ppl confident of His ability and presence? why do i feel like you arent and are tryin to convince me? for one, at least i knoe that He is the one and i dont have to keep remindin myself for He knoes, that at the end of the day, i knoe, to whom i shud return too. i just read an email from cfc. i've been deletin emails comin from there recently. i wanna be away from the ppl but not He. so it was from alvin, abt some music event. there's abt to be a fast again. i alws feel like i'm closer to He durin fasts, somehow i'm glad there's one this time. i think i'l do it w the rest but idk if i'm ready to return for the event..

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246# 'cos i hate pox and i hate YOU!

Mar. 11th, 2010 | 12:32 am
mood: depresseddepressed

omg, i'm seriously lost for words! stupid pox got me SUPER depressed! depressed and frustrated at the same time i just wanna cry!! it is SO irritatin! i got so pissed off i offed my hp and blocked some ppl on msn. if any bugger's to come aggravate me more i swear i will just cry at the person. mayb it'l be easier if i just cry it out like before but i dont wanna be weak again, so irritatin ppl shud just FUUUUCK OFF!

i guess since i will be stuck home so often.. i'll prolly be updatin lj more, do more thot provokin entries than nonsense complaints like this one, i cant complain for 2wks straight.. now i regret not gettin the storybk at kino today...
Tags: ,

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245# because a lazy day like this could be healin'

Mar. 6th, 2010 | 03:06 pm
location: bed
mood: curiouscurious
music: Bunkan Cinta Biasa - Afgan

i got CONNED SHER to slp early so we could have our b/f at macs. lol. we were seriously lol-ing like mad last aft the talk abt 'routines' and how we are SO amazed by how ppl can keep to them. we are totally AIBA-kei, the no 'pran' ppl. hahaa! even the b/f was last min decision and to cancel it took like what, 5s? 4s to fully understand the msg and 1s to reply. lol.

somehow the hols been great so far. i think i shud be takin a break from clubbin' i might wanna try havin the slpin pattern of a 'norm' person. i tried last night but i ended up quite pissed cos i kept wakin up evry few hours, like WTF!? bth, i actually felt quite refreshed wakin up at 8am this morn. had a hearty b/f and lazed the morn away. i was kinda thinkin why is the morn like nv-endin?! hahaa! still it's a nice feelin, mayb cos it's a new feelin.

been hangin out w sher quite abit, it's like 2aunties tryin to act young, super hilarious! tryin to maintain contact w sepig, cos apparently i alws end up MIA-ing (pls! she doesnt talk to me online even!! :@). managed to catch up w nsq, totally dont understand how we clique but i guess it works in a really strange way plus that girl stays REALLY near, prolly wait till she's back from viet and we'll supper :D i think i am makin more efforts than before? at least outta my comfort zone, i kinda feel the whole i-dont-wanna-be-ard-ppl feel all over again.. it's like me goin, 'err.. no thanks' in a more subtle way, tryin to avoid ppl. i cant understand why also but i just prefer doin thgs my own way, if i think we shud distance ourselves a lil, mayb thats prolly the only right thg to do at this point of time..

i wanna take pics, NICE pics. somehow i wanna own a high speed cam but then.. i think the cost will be astronomical (sp according to sepig).

isnt this pic just beautiful?

it feels like the result's not impt but the process of breakin. a total contrast compared to reality. at the end of the day if it doesnt matter how we attain our goals, does it matter if we're doin it the 'right' way? are we not constantly decidin whats right and whats wrong but i think more often than not we are decidin whats acceptable and whats NOT acceptable, to the society..

i am supposed to be packin my wardrobe but i think.. mayb that can wait.. =x

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244# An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast...

Mar. 1st, 2010 | 02:16 am
location: Home
music: Telephone - Lady Gaga

...a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.

i seriously miss nball days. those days whn we were so gungho abt evrythg, the quotes that we used to share, i guess i've been tryin to forget then. it's trainin day again tmr and i really, really wanna make it work. somehow, i feel like i might have the courage to go on. no matter what'll come, i dont think i believe i'm not alone.

this is what it means to be friends

we're often to afraid to catch up w close friends from ol' times because we're too afraid, too afraid of rejection, so we convince ourselves into thinkin that the other party has changed, it will not be the same hangin out again. what we dont knoe is all we're lackin is a simple, "hey, how've you been?" thgs might change. to risk the worst rejection in the form of your ex-close friends or risk losin a close friend? the  answer's easy but the action is hard.

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Jan. 5th, 2010 | 04:40 pm
location: Office
mood: workingworking
music: Ta Hai Bu Dong - S.H.E.

am like tryin to do tidyin up in the office. finally, the day has come for the end of internship but somehow i'm not really glad. of cos i am excited but it just feels wrong. i kinda feel like stayin on, tho i'l prolly be more of a hindrance than help xP the internship grades prolly wont be that great but i enjoyed the 5mths. despite all the shit in 2010, this is prolly the best outta evrythg sadly -.-

the prev posts prolly hafnt been too positive or 'smiley' but i am fine! there were some who came and asked in a subtle but pretty cute way cos they prolly felt it was inconvenient to probe. kx did but really i only knoe how to handle it alone, i prolly wont knoe how to share. unless you're weird like sepig, then mayb.. i actually 'talked' to one of my friends on msn and for once was really truthful abt how i felt and i just brokedown but aft that, the feelin was great, i felt like i could go on =DD

i dont wanna suddenly plunge into an abyss of emo, that isnt me but i dont want ppl to suddenly start fussin over me as well. there were some who made sure they checked on me regularly. thanks but i am not abt to slit my wrist and i am really unappreciative whn we were never close to start w. now's really not the time i wanna be playin nice.

i am gettin quite pissed w the whole mysterious thg, i think i dont have the energy to play on anymore. i got more thgs i'll wanna focus on.

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241# bring it on 2010

Jan. 4th, 2010 | 11:04 pm
location: sofa
mood: apatheticapathetic

like seriously, nth gd has happened it 2010, like nth, i cant think of anythg. first it was grandma and now my grandpa has decided to hop on the wagon and is in hosp now. he's been in a veg state since forever but this shospitalisation sounded serious like before, all i knoe's that his organs have ceased to function. whats gon happen now, i really dont knoe. i am alr bothered enough w my grandma. for my grandpa this time i think the one who'll be affected most's prolly daddy, i am in no state to handle the family now, really not now. it's alr tirin enough tryin to act normal whn i'm outside, in front of ppl but whn i'm alone it's difficult to run away from the reality.

i totally dont knoe how bad can 2010 get, these gotta be the worst. i cant rmb why but o9 was really good and fast.. boo.. whatever, i am just watchin zero but nth's goin in. rahh.. i want an endless time to stone. prayin hard that my mumps dont happen again, it feels like my salivary gland's infected again, it's slightly swollen and bloody painful.

all i can do's complain these days, how excitin life is -.-

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Jan. 3rd, 2010 | 11:03 pm
location: bed
mood: blankblank
music: Kawaita Hana - Kanjani 8

first entry of the year..it's actually the 240th entry, or was it 241st? i cant rmb if i actually forgot to no. one of my entry. to be honest, it doesnt feel like 2010 started, evrythg still feels the same. there is no significant change felt, if there has to be it is the sudden influx of evrythg bad. i think i feel happier in o9. this shud not be the case but it is what is happenin now!

as for new year's resolution, i guess the very first thg is to be honest w myself. i wont be mopin 24/7 but the least i can do is to be honest in my entries. it really doesnt make sense just cos i knoe ppl're readin and i try to hide the intention of my posts, usin phrases that make no sense to others except myself. it's hinderin the way i express myself. for those who find out abt thgs thru my lj, mayb it's hightime you realise that it really is none of your biz, so there is no need to go ard pretendin like you care? but if you are sure we are really close, i'm sorry. it may have just been cause it is not one of those thgs we talk abt and i just cant bring myself to tell you cos evrytime i tell it to somebod it kills me?

omg, there's like so much angst in me suddenly. i might as well just say it out. for those who suddenly decides to act carin, there really isnt a need, as much as i've survived that long w you readin my lj and not exactly carin, you dont have to pretend suddenly, i can live on this way. for those who cant stand the fact that i am into jap, i am no concerned as well, as much as i understand how irritatin that is, i'd appreciate the fact that you let me choose because it's me we're talkin abt here. most imptly, pls stop tryin to tell me how to live my life! you have your ideas and i have mine! as much as i respect yours, pls be sure that you do not impose YOUR way of life into mine! i really dont appreciate that, no matter how close we are. i am open to discussion but to tell me straight in the face that i am wrong and your way's the only way.

my 2010's totally been bugged by my grandma's health. as much as i understand that it might be better for her to leave because it'l mean less pain for her but i am scared. afraid of the change, afraid of her departure. i cant say how scared i was seein her literally yellow, yet she refuses to go to the hosp. we didnt wanna oppose her cos we knoes she'l be all tubed up and she has once said she'd rather die in the comfort of her own hse. all she's been doin's to slp, and she barely eats. yet there was nth i could do as well, all i did was to watch as she drifts in and out of consciousness. the previous time something this bad happened was whn she'd not slp at night and do weird thgs at night and my aunts were so worried and we had to take turns to stay up to watch her. of cos she became better aft awhile, i kinda hope it'l be the same this time but she really looked bad. i knoe i'll hafta cope no matter what happens but surely that cant make me feel any better?!

still, all i can do now's to pray and continue w my internship. that is the reality in my face now.

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239# all hail pms

Dec. 30th, 2009 | 03:56 pm
location: Office
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: Tongue Tied - Faber Drive

it's like full force pms this few days.. it really doesnt help that stupid tiong at work's pissin me off -.- well, he can be worse but it's gotten better these days. i cant stand ppl who reads over somebod's shoulder, esp MINE! and as if that's not bad enough he puts his space so close and he is SMELLY! i hate smelly ppl la! IRRITATIN! and i am totally the hypocritehospi girl, i can be so pissed and still smile.

it'll be 2010 soon, payday soon, like tmr?! WOOHOO! SHOPPPPPINNNNN~! i wanna dye my hair, do online shoppin, buy groceries to cook, manymany!! and TRY to save.

hmm.. can anyone be too lazy for it?? is it scary?

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237# oops! it's too late

Dec. 27th, 2009 | 10:30 pm
music: Guilty - V6

you'll never fully apprehend what you're losin until you finally lose it. you lose some, you gain some. this is prolly the most optimistic way of seein thgs. wouldnt it sound sadder if it had been, you gain some, you lose some. or isit just my own interpretation?

before the dust settles from all the buzz of xmas, it's the countdown party alr. i love how it's as if it's no secret anymore, my dad simply comin up to me and askin whr i'll be partyin for the countdown. why didnt he think that i MIGHT decide to stay home. hahaa! not v likely i guess. lol.

best photo so far:

the two retarded kids. hahaa!

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236# forgotten promise

Dec. 26th, 2009 | 02:22 am
mood: apatheticapathetic
music: iTunes

mozilla's been cranky of late, makin it diff to post but photos are fine. irritatin..
i'm surprised it's been a yr, how time flies. promise made, it is not forgotten but mayb it was put aside at some point of time. i hope it's not too late to restart on the journey, what will happen 5 yrs down the road, none of us can really predict. i prolly need more focus..

i like how these pics look, the colours and the rest is up to how i interpret them =))

enough funCollapse )

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234# to ask is to seek

Dec. 21st, 2009 | 02:21 pm
location: freeezin' office
mood: contentcontent
music: Nonie's iPod

doesnt the title just sound so profound?! lol. i was just thinkin abt this sayin, 'ask, and .....' basically i only rmbed TWO words out of the many. hahaa! i was kinda thinkin of prodai as well, the scene whn the "fairy" told pi that sentence as well, so i decided to ask my bff. hahaa! and this is what i got.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you
will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks the door will be opened”

some may knoe whr this para came from but it doesnt matter, 'cos i just think it's nice! tho i kinda think the original sounds nice read but the english makes NO sense to me, so i prefer this. lol. shallow shallow. hee. the para sounds too gd to be true but it is NICE~! final.

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233# last day!!

Dec. 10th, 2009 | 09:45 am
location: Office!
mood: geekygeeky
music: Love, Me - Collin Raye

finally today's like the last day of the somewhat internet fast. i realised the fast's got ten thousand loopholes. hahaa! the main thg's just that i cant be surfin net on my lappy at home but that didnt really mean i didnt get online! the first day i went on msn but appeared offline. HAA! yday i stayed out so i cant get my hands on my lappy, i got on the internet, kinda? hahaa! sher, ili and i met up and we were checkin out fb -.-
yday was SUPER! it's been awhile since we rotted ard like that but it has its side-effects, towards the later half i felt like we were becomin dumber. w we i meant me and sher. hahaa! bad influence from ili. lol. AND HIS CAT IS FREAKIN VIOLENT! V-I-O-L-E-N-T! i still like the fat one. hahaa! its stupidity reminds me of my dog. hahaa! i think they'l make great friends, sheddin tons of fur together.

rumble rambleCollapse )
this post feels a tad too sensitive to be public. hahaa! but heck!

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232# :))

Dec. 8th, 2009 | 02:14 pm
location: office
mood: coldcold
music: I Finally Found Someone - Barbra Streisand & Bryan Adams

i'm actually stupidly excited abt my fast. i mean i really dont knoe how long my stomach will be able to last but i'm excited about the final 'accomplishment'.

i am definitely takin forever for this post, this is like aft 'lunch' time alr. i didnt eat and i just sat w my colleagues. i think they felt more uncomfy than me. lol. anw rather than abstine from internet i shud just abstine from my lappy. haaa! so means today cant go near it!! :(( 3 days, God help me stay sane. LOL.


does my face just screams, "IAMLESBIANNN~!"? it's like a common thg for ppl ard me to conclude, it's not even suspect, they CONCLUDE that i like girls! -.- well, i admit that i check girls out, i mean why not?! esp whn they're hot =D but i dont think i'd like to date a girl. hahaa! so i thinki'm straight, stop CONCLUDIN! it's amusin how ppl go, "i knoe you're a lesbian". like HELLO?! how come you knoe it better than me? i thot it's supposed to be MY preference? gosh, what kinda ppl do i hang out w. hahaa!

and i just love my icon, love its colours. spells HOT =DD

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231# choices

Nov. 22nd, 2009 | 09:36 pm

cellphonesCollapse )

i cant decide.. if i wanna samsung omnia lite or bb. actually samsung ultra touch was one of the options but my stupid server doesnt provide the phone anymore. singtel has but my sis's changin her hp usin my dad's line, so i dont wanna ask her to give it up for me (tho she has her own line that she can upgrade with as well =x)

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